I've been reluctant to write about this because it is a very personal subject matter to me. I have talked about it with a few close friends and my family, that's about it. But, since I have felt like the Lord has called me to be transparent with my life and share what has gone on in hopes of helping others, I'm going to get over my pride and talk about it. It is going to be a long post, I apologize in advance!
This summer I have been struggling. I have dealt with depression in my past, but this struggle is not a bout of depression. God has been uprooting bitterness that had taken a hold of my heart and caused me much pain and anger.
The cause of this deep root of bitterness comes from events that took place in high school. There is no way of saying this nicely, but I was bullied, like many kids in high school. I do not think it is right to sit here and rehash the past or list all of the "horrible" things that happened to me, but I can say that I was around the people that bullied me all the time and that the things they said and did degraded my self-esteem. It tore me apart.
There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe this to be true, but I also believe that people's actions leave marks on our hearts whether we want them to or not. It is what we do with these marks and scars that defines us.
I never dealt with what had happened to me. I just stuffed it down. I was embarrassed and didn't want people to know that these things had actually hurt me deeply. I felt that because I was "saved" that I needed to act like it was all together. I always told myself that it was the past and that it was over. I felt like because I blocked it out and didn't think about it, that it was gone for good.
I have never been so wrong in my life.
As the years have gone by, I noticed little things that I did. I noticed that I had trouble maintaining friendships. I always wanted to be in control and when I felt out of control I quickly shut people out. I noticed that I never felt good enough for anyone. Someone would like me and I would catch me degrading myself. I would tell myself things like, "You're ugly, You're creepy, You're weird" and here is a crazy one, "You look like a guy." I saw my trust in people plummet. I told myself I trusted them, but again I found myself flaking on them out of fear. I could list a bazillion things but the point is not for me to list out all my issues.
The point is- We have to let GOD heal us, if not you'll end up with a list of crazy issues you have to deal with! It is time to stop pretending that we can do it in our own strength. It just causes more trouble and hinders the work of God in our lives. In my case, God basically had to hit me with a spiritual baseball bat on the side of the head to get me to accept His healing. I pray others do not take it that far.
There are 4 things that God has been working in me this summer.
Number 1- Forgiveness is key. Real, honest, genuine forgiveness. He's taught me to think of it this way- Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins. Every single one of us. He has brought forgiveness for us all. I'm just going to put this out there, as humans, we do nasty, horrible things. Because of the death of Jesus, those sins are forgiven. It is selfish of me to sit here and hold unforgiveness in my life. It is pretty simple, forgive because God forgives.
Number 2- Do not believe lies. The devil does not want me to move on from my past. He wants me to believe all those awful things said to me. His goal is to cause us pain and misery, to destroy us. The Lord made all of us perfect in His image. The way we are created is for a purpose and He loves us and values us eternally. It is important that confidence comes from this, not from the world and the lies of Satan.
Number 3- Trust in God and have hope. If I have no trust in God, how am I supposed to trust in others? It is important to live in faith that God has a good future in store and that if we stay true to His will, it will bring goodness into our lives!
Finally, Number 4- Lose the crappy attitude(this ties into forgiveness!) I have spent years lying to myself that "I'm okay, it's all worked out" ...blah blah blah. While the whole time I am actually holding these pitiful grudges that fester an attitude of self-pity and bitterness. This attitude blocks off the healing work of God. I am having to learn to consciously lose the bad, two year old toddler attitude and replace it with one that is full of the joy of The Lord. After all, His joy is a gift, why should I waste it?
I know that all of us go through horrible things that leave scars on and tarnish us. That is why I decided to finally buck up and write this. I know there are people out there who are going through way, way worse things than I have gone through or ever will, but I also know God can heal you and bring you peace from those things no matter what they are or how old they are. I know that God has plans for each one of our lives and that He only wants the best for us. Part of that best is submitting to Him and letting Him do work in us. Do not let your past take a hold of you like I let it in me. God tried to start working in me right after everything happened, but I didn't let Him. Do not do this. Do not let your pride or whatever is holding you back get in the way. Take care of it now. Let Him begin healing you now!
This summer I have been struggling. I have dealt with depression in my past, but this struggle is not a bout of depression. God has been uprooting bitterness that had taken a hold of my heart and caused me much pain and anger.
The cause of this deep root of bitterness comes from events that took place in high school. There is no way of saying this nicely, but I was bullied, like many kids in high school. I do not think it is right to sit here and rehash the past or list all of the "horrible" things that happened to me, but I can say that I was around the people that bullied me all the time and that the things they said and did degraded my self-esteem. It tore me apart.
There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe this to be true, but I also believe that people's actions leave marks on our hearts whether we want them to or not. It is what we do with these marks and scars that defines us.
I never dealt with what had happened to me. I just stuffed it down. I was embarrassed and didn't want people to know that these things had actually hurt me deeply. I felt that because I was "saved" that I needed to act like it was all together. I always told myself that it was the past and that it was over. I felt like because I blocked it out and didn't think about it, that it was gone for good.
I have never been so wrong in my life.
As the years have gone by, I noticed little things that I did. I noticed that I had trouble maintaining friendships. I always wanted to be in control and when I felt out of control I quickly shut people out. I noticed that I never felt good enough for anyone. Someone would like me and I would catch me degrading myself. I would tell myself things like, "You're ugly, You're creepy, You're weird" and here is a crazy one, "You look like a guy." I saw my trust in people plummet. I told myself I trusted them, but again I found myself flaking on them out of fear. I could list a bazillion things but the point is not for me to list out all my issues.
The point is- We have to let GOD heal us, if not you'll end up with a list of crazy issues you have to deal with! It is time to stop pretending that we can do it in our own strength. It just causes more trouble and hinders the work of God in our lives. In my case, God basically had to hit me with a spiritual baseball bat on the side of the head to get me to accept His healing. I pray others do not take it that far.
There are 4 things that God has been working in me this summer.
Number 1- Forgiveness is key. Real, honest, genuine forgiveness. He's taught me to think of it this way- Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins. Every single one of us. He has brought forgiveness for us all. I'm just going to put this out there, as humans, we do nasty, horrible things. Because of the death of Jesus, those sins are forgiven. It is selfish of me to sit here and hold unforgiveness in my life. It is pretty simple, forgive because God forgives.
Number 2- Do not believe lies. The devil does not want me to move on from my past. He wants me to believe all those awful things said to me. His goal is to cause us pain and misery, to destroy us. The Lord made all of us perfect in His image. The way we are created is for a purpose and He loves us and values us eternally. It is important that confidence comes from this, not from the world and the lies of Satan.
Number 3- Trust in God and have hope. If I have no trust in God, how am I supposed to trust in others? It is important to live in faith that God has a good future in store and that if we stay true to His will, it will bring goodness into our lives!
Finally, Number 4- Lose the crappy attitude(this ties into forgiveness!) I have spent years lying to myself that "I'm okay, it's all worked out" ...blah blah blah. While the whole time I am actually holding these pitiful grudges that fester an attitude of self-pity and bitterness. This attitude blocks off the healing work of God. I am having to learn to consciously lose the bad, two year old toddler attitude and replace it with one that is full of the joy of The Lord. After all, His joy is a gift, why should I waste it?
I know that all of us go through horrible things that leave scars on and tarnish us. That is why I decided to finally buck up and write this. I know there are people out there who are going through way, way worse things than I have gone through or ever will, but I also know God can heal you and bring you peace from those things no matter what they are or how old they are. I know that God has plans for each one of our lives and that He only wants the best for us. Part of that best is submitting to Him and letting Him do work in us. Do not let your past take a hold of you like I let it in me. God tried to start working in me right after everything happened, but I didn't let Him. Do not do this. Do not let your pride or whatever is holding you back get in the way. Take care of it now. Let Him begin healing you now!
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." -Ephesians 4:31
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