Uprooting the Bitterness

I've been reluctant to write about this because it is a very personal subject matter to me. I have talked about it with a few close friends and my family, that's about it. But, since I have felt like the Lord has called me to be transparent with my life and share what has gone on in hopes of helping others, I'm going to get over my pride and talk about it. It is going to be a long post, I apologize in advance!

This summer I have been struggling. I have dealt with depression in my past, but this struggle is not a bout of depression. God has been uprooting bitterness that had taken a hold of my heart and caused me much pain and anger.

The cause of this deep root of bitterness comes from events that took place in high school. There is no way of saying this nicely, but I was bullied, like many kids in high school. I do not think it is right to sit here and rehash the past or list all of the "horrible" things that happened to me, but I can say that I was around the people that bullied me all the time and that the things they said and did degraded my self-esteem. It tore me apart.

There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe this to be true, but I also believe that people's actions leave marks on our hearts whether we want them to or not. It is what we do with these marks and scars that defines us.

I never dealt with what had happened to me. I just stuffed it down. I was embarrassed and didn't want people to know that these things had actually hurt me deeply. I felt that because I was "saved" that I needed to act like it was all together. I always told myself that it was the past and that it was over. I felt like because I blocked it out and didn't think about it, that it was gone for good.

I have never been so wrong in my life.

As the years have gone by, I noticed little things that I did. I noticed that I had trouble maintaining friendships. I always wanted to be in control and when I felt out of control I quickly shut people out. I noticed that I never felt good enough for anyone. Someone would like me and I would catch me degrading myself. I would tell myself things like, "You're ugly, You're creepy, You're weird" and here is a crazy one, "You look like a guy." I saw my trust in people plummet. I told myself I trusted them, but again I found myself flaking on them out of fear. I could list a bazillion things but the point is not for me to list out all my issues.

The point is- We have to let GOD heal us, if not you'll end up with a list of crazy issues you have to deal with! It is time to stop pretending that we can do it in our own strength. It just causes more trouble and hinders the work of God in our lives. In my case, God basically had to hit me with a spiritual baseball bat on the side of the head to get me to accept His healing. I pray others do not take it that far.

There are 4 things that God has been working in me this summer.

Number 1- Forgiveness is key. Real, honest, genuine forgiveness. He's taught me to think of it this way- Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins. Every single one of us. He has brought forgiveness for us all. I'm just going to put this out there, as humans, we do nasty, horrible things. Because of the death of Jesus, those sins are forgiven. It is selfish of me to sit here and hold unforgiveness in my life. It is pretty simple, forgive because God forgives.

Number 2- Do not believe lies. The devil does not want me to move on from my past. He wants me to believe all those awful things said to me. His goal is to cause us pain and misery, to destroy us. The Lord made all of us perfect in His image. The way we are created is for a purpose and He loves us and values us eternally. It is important that confidence comes from this, not from the world and the lies of Satan.

Number 3- Trust in God and have hope. If I have no trust in God, how am I supposed to trust in others? It is important to live in faith that God has a good future in store and that if we stay true to His will, it will bring goodness into our lives!

Finally, Number 4- Lose the crappy attitude(this ties into forgiveness!) I have spent years lying to myself that "I'm okay, it's all worked out" ...blah blah blah. While the whole time I am actually holding these pitiful grudges that fester an attitude of self-pity and bitterness. This attitude blocks off the healing work of God. I am having to learn to consciously lose the bad, two year old toddler attitude and replace it with one that is full of the joy of The Lord. After all, His joy is a gift, why should I waste it?

I know that all of us go through horrible things that leave scars on and tarnish us. That is why I decided to finally buck up and write this. I know there are people out there who are going through way, way worse things than I have gone through or ever will, but I also know God can heal you and bring you peace from those things no matter what they are or how old they are. I know that God has plans for each one of our lives and that He only wants the best for us. Part of that best is submitting to Him and letting Him do work in us. Do not let your past take a hold of you like I let it in me. God tried to start working in me right after everything happened, but I didn't let Him. Do not do this. Do not let your pride or whatever is holding you back get in the way. Take care of it now. Let Him begin healing you now!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." -Ephesians 4:31

"Choose to See the Good Stuff"

Do you ever feel like your not worth any ones time?
Do you ever feel lonely, like no one cares?
Do you ever wake up and feel confused and hopeless?

 

You are worth someone's time.
Even if people seem to not be giving you the time of day,
God is always ready. He has no watch, no time limit. He's there 24/7.

 

Remember, even when you are feeling lonely, God has not left. If you ask,
you will receive. Pray for His peace, and to bring the right people into your
life. He'll send them.

 

Realize that confusion and hopelessness are attacks from the devil.
Don't let him steal your joy, but instead pray as soon as you wake up
to be filled with the joy of the Lord! Pray you have more joy than ever before!
Even if your hope is smaller than a thread, hold on to. God will use it.
He will make it grow.

 

 

 

Thank God for what He has done for you. Thank Him for that beautiful sky
today that made you happy because it was so blue. Thank Him for that
unexpected compliment from someone. Thank Him for that friend that contacted
you, and put a smile on your face. Thank Him for showing you that Bible verse
that helped you carry on throughout the day.
Thank Him for all the little things,
they add up.

 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Sticking to Your Calling

In the summer before my junior year in high school I went to a baptist summer camp. While I was at this camp I really felt God put a call to ministry on my heart. I left that week of fun and sun knowing that I had been called to devote my livelihood to God. I didn't know exactly what type of ministry the Lord was calling me to, but I knew He was calling me to ministry. There was no doubt in my mind. I knew this throughout the rest of high school. Even when I went through phases where I was straying off the path The Lord had created for me, I always felt that pull in the back of my mind.

By the end of my senior year, after hopping back and forth between a worldly life and a Godly life, I was ready to get serious and stand completely on God's side. I had won a partial scholarship to ORU, and I knew that God had given me this opportunity for a reason. I knew that ORU was part of the call, I knew that God wanted me there to get ready for whatever it was. I entered as a freshman knowing this. I was ready to do big things for God.

I got discouraged though. I lost hope. When I was in high school, I was around people that I had known for many years, I had gotten used to them. Going into college, even though it's a small private college, I was surrounded by a whole new world of people. I was living with them and constantly being around them. ORU has students from all over the country and world, and with that, a whole plethora of christian worldviews come in with it. I was exposed to so many different types of people, I was seeing whole new ways of living for Christ. I began to compare myself to these different ways. Doing this is where I lost my hope. I began to think, "I'm not good enough for ministry", "I don't think I'm really called to that", "I'm just an average, shy girl". It wasn't until the end of this year, my sophomore year, that I let God break me free from that.

When God has placed a call on ones life to ministry, or to any area of life, it is very important not to compare ones call or vision to another. We are all created different, and God did not do this just for the fun of it. He needs different types of people to work in different areas of His kingdom. Don't let doubt creep into your mind because your not like that girl who can pray and pray for days, or that guy who's been called to bring the house down preaching on the pulpit. God gave you your gift for a reason, and he needs you to embrace that specific gift. Romans 12:6-8 (NIV) says-

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

Know that your gift is a part of your call. Be thankful and have joy that God has given the talents and abilities that He has. Stand firm on what He has given you!

One thing besides the problem I had of comparing myself to others, was that I got distracted by life. I lost sight of the big picture of my life. I got wrapped up in the daily things that were happening to me that I forget all about what God was laying on my heart. I didn't even realize that the things that happened in my daily life where situations that would help me later down the road. He was using life in general as a training tool. Remember this, God never lets anything go to waste. He is always working in our lives, if we let Him.  An important part of letting Him work in our lives and prepare us is reading our bible and praying. Sadly, I didn't do this everyday until this year (2013). Since starting to do this though, I have felt my faith grown in ways I didn't know it could. If you know that God is calling you to a tough ministry or you know you will be in hard situations, became absolutely, 100%, firm in your faith. Do this even if you don't know. As Christians, we should do this no matter what our calling is. If your calling is to be a mother, become firm. If your calling is to become a pastor, become firm. If your calling is to become a lion tamer, become firm. Know the word, and be connected to God everyday. Like Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Don't let the monotony of everyday life get you in a rut. Let Him break you free and realize that He is building and shaping you for what He wants you to do.

Remember also that God can lay a plan on ones heart years before it will come to fruition. Sometimes in our lives, we won't even see the fruit of our labor, we are just here to plant the seeds. If that is the case, then that is what God's plan for our life is! Think about the apostles, they spent their whole lives devoting their lives to spreading the good news of Christ. Obviously, they didn't get to live 2000 years to see how Christianity has grown. Their work though planted an abundance of seeds for God's Kingdom. Don't try and force or rush things. Trust in God. If you devote your life to God completely and stay in His will, then the plan He has created for you for will happen. God stays true to His promises.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

When we let God help us to stop comparing ourselves to others, start focusing truly on how He created us as individuals, and make a conscious effort to be constantly be seeking what He needs us to do, then He is able to strengthen and develop us.

I'm thankful that God has broken me free of doubt and all the lies about myself that I believed. I stand in faith that He will help me overcome any other attack that is sent against me to try and destroy what God has planned for my life. I pray you do too. 

 

 

 

Having Doubts

At the beginning of this semester, The Lord told me to start reading the Gospels thoroughly. He told me He wanted me to know who Jesus was, inside and out. He wanted me to know exactly what the character of Jesus was, as Jesus's character is God's character. There is no better place to learn His trait's than the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Acts.

 

I thought that reading these would surely cause my faith to grow fast and in great amounts. But, the more I read, the more questions I started stacking up. Nothing ever caused me not to believe in the undeniable truth that there is a God. In fact, the deeper I got into The Bible, the tighter my relationship with The Lord became. I started wondering though, why do I believe what I believe? There are many religions in the world, why is Christianity the truth? I realized, and I truly believe that God brought this to my attention, that I was living my faith blindly. I got saved very quickly, and He changed my life so dramatically that I didn't question why I believed. After this realization, I started seeking answers. I admitted to my mom, who is my mentor, that I had all these questions about Jesus, and Christianity in general. I also admitted to God that I had these questions.

 

The surprising thing is, as soon as I admitted to God that I was questioning Him, He answered. He didn't shame me and scold me for doubting. He brought to my attention that asking questions is how we grow. He wants me to ask, and to seek. He wants me to grow. In school we ask questions if we are confused and a teacher answers. In the same way, The Lord does the same. Every question that has come into my head has been answered. Sometimes, it may be a question I didn't even directly bring to God. He cares about me and takes the time to help me.

 

I picture the process like this, God is pushing me to another level in my faith, and this process includes seeking answers and backing up why I believe in Him. He's putting me on a high wire, or a tight-rope. This situation is uncomfortable, but it's pushing me. At the same time, while I'm on this tight-rope, I'm in a safety harness. God is that safety harness. God is the creator of the universe and there is no question too big that He cannot answer.

 

I have never felt more secure in my faith than I do now. Even though I'm still acting like a toddler and asking God, "Why?", all the time, I now have a strong foundation to build on. By reading The Bible thoroughly and thoughtfully and asking God and other Christians who have more wisdom than me questions about it, I feel much stronger.

 

Don't be afraid to admit to other's that you have questions, and don't be afraid to tell God. He truly has an answer for everything. Don't be afraid to let other's know what is going on in your mind. Christianity should be all about transparency. God did not call us to be perfect humans with all the answers, if we knew everything, what need would there be for Him?

Lean on Him, in doubts, in trials, in happiness, in everything.

 

 

 

 

 



Love, Even Through the Struggles

Hello everybody! HAPPY NEW YEAR! (a month late :] ) I haven't posted in awhile. I have quite a few blogs I'd like to write, but I always want to make sure everything I write down comes from the almighty source upstairs, God Himself, before I post. I try not to write rant blogs.

ANYWAYS- the first topic I'd like to cover in this beautiful new year is..Loving others!

I have wrote a blog about something similar to what I am going to write now, but this one will be a little bit more in depth.

If your my friend or acquaintance, you know that I go to Oral Roberts University, a Christian college. I absolutely love it. It's a beautiful campus and the people here are amazing! But, behind all the wonderful smiling faces and spiritual atmosphere, there's a problem.

There are people here that are struggling in there faith and feel fear about showing it.

It is true that most people here love God with their whole hearts. They have a relationship with Him and they truly care about Him.

The problem is, many of us fail to let our inner relationship with Jesus Christ shine through us. We are either blind to those suffering on their walk, or we ignore them and shun them from our lives because they do so called "bad things".

I have heard countless stories about how people have left ORU because they were struggling in their walk, and the people around them criticized, gossiped about them, and even made fun of them for it.

It breaks my heart to hear these stories and to even spot this happening with certain people now.

I think back to the time in my life where I had my back turned against God. He was relentlessly coming after me, He never failed to meet me somewhere in my life. I finally gave in and accepted His gift of salvation, but the change that has happened in me didn't happen overnight. It has been a long journey, and a hard one. I didn't accept Jesus into my heart one night and the next morning wake up and become a super Christian. I fell, over and over. But, I always felt Jesus in my heart pulling me back onto the right path. Jesus still forgives me for continuously falling, and most of the mentors and friends in my life forgive me too.

If Jesus had shunned and not forgiven me because I had fallen , I don't think I would want to keep picking myself up. I would give up and go back to my old ways. There were times when I felt judged by others because I had fallen, and it discouraged me and made me feel depressed and worthless. The Lord and close friends knew my true heart though and saw that I truly desired God.

As Christians, we are not to judge the sins of others, for we ourselves are just as equal of sinners as they are. We should not turn our backs on our brothers and sisters because they are having troubles, if anything, we should be the ones holding out our hands and giving them a helping hand!

We should not be blind to those struggling either. We need to open our eyes and pray that Lord lets us see others through His eyes! God created fellowship so that we can be there for one another, cheering each other on.

We do not have to be best friends with everyone we encounter, some we don't even have to be friends with, but God does not want us to judge anyone at anytime. We can hate the sin, but we must always love the person.

We must always never think of ourselves as higher than someone else, or above them. We are all equal.


So, I challenge everyone who reads this to take a look at your ways. Are you loving others unconditionally no matter their current stance in life, or are you turning your back to those that need encouragement and support the most?

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31

Identity

It's been a really long time since I last posted. My life has been very crazy lately and its taken me awhile to process everything that has happened.

I just completed my first semester of college. I don't think I've ever grown so much in one period of time as I did these past 4 months. I've learned many valuable things, but the biggest one on my heart right now that I want to write about is identity.

In high school, I always felt a little bit trapped. I always felt like I could never truly be who I wanted to be. Some of this was because of things that had happened to me that hurt me deeply, but most of it was out of fear. I've always been a fearful person, and by last May, I decided that I would no longer be that fearful person. Because of my fear I wasn't truly being myself. I made the decision that with this new beginning at college I would truly open up and be myself.

At first I didn't relate this revelation to anything spiritual. I thought it was just a moment of myself getting fed up with my life. But, as I started college and began to act truly myself, I found there were mountains of differences than high school.

(Before I go on anymore, I should put out there that in high school I was really quiet, I mostly kept to myself and I didn't do many things out of fear)

I began to notice that by being my true self, God was able to do more work through me. When I'm being my true self, I'm I guess what you call a "nut". I do weird things, I'm a little more outgoing, and I have too much energy all the time. But, by being that weirdo that I am, it helps other people to open up a little bit more, and feel more relaxed.

God is able to use us as tools for His kingdom most when we are being our true selves.

Here is the thing though- the devil does not, at all, want us to be who we were made to be. The devil comes to lie, steal and destroy our lives. He does not want us to do good work for the Kingdom. The devil will try to sneak in and destroy our God given identities. Satan did this to me about half way through the semester. I had gone 1 1/2 months without even feeling a care in world about what people thought of my new found self, when all of a sudden, I began to feel self conscious. I had constant thoughts such as, "I'm too weird", "I'm too hyper", "people think I'm annoying". Thankfully, because of my relationship with Jesus Christ, I was able to identify what these thoughts were and work on ridding myself of them with the help of Him.

Not everyone out there though has this strength that Jesus Christ gives, and as Christians we have to remember to try and help others find their God given identity in Christ and to also be there to encourage others to keep living out their true selves .

We must also remember that the world, as it is so heavily influenced by Satan, will try to influence us that to have an acceptable identity, we need to be just like everyone else. The world wants us to be "cool". The world wants us to "be tough". The world wants us, in most cases, to have an identity opposite of what the Lord instilled in us at birth. Always strive to go against that. Strive to live in the direction of God and not the world, that way He can constantly reinforce your personality.

So, saying all this, I challenge everyone who reads this to sit and really think, "Am I revealing my true God given identity?"

What You Do is Being Watched

My sobriety date is November 10th. 3 years ago was the date of the last time I got drunk. I'll be honest, I've drank and relasped a few times since then, but I still consider that date the day Jesus protected me, woke me up and saved me.

What caused me to stumble those few times though? Well everytime it was completely my fault because of lack of self control, but the most common thing that triggered my urge to drink again was finding out that someone I looked up to secretly partied. People who I believed to be leaders, strong Christians devoting their life to the Lord. It made me self concious of my own christianity. I desperatly wanted to be the best Christian I could be, but when I saw that others were not even trying to not fall, I felt like I needed to fall too.

1 Corinthians 10:32 tells Christians "Do not cause anyone to stumble..." Paul wrote this to the Church of Corinth because he wanted the Christians to be aware of non-christians and that their actions were being watched. The non-christians looked into the lives of Christians, and said well I thought this was considered bad. Paul used the example that if someone told you a certain meat was offered to an idol, even though they would have known it is fine to eat that meat, eating it in front of that person(the non-believer) would possibly cause them to stumble. (1 Corinthians 28-29) A good example of this now a days would be, say someone drinks casually and say they still love and obey God, well first off, if you are drinking underage you are disobeying God directly by not obeying authority, second, you are setting a bad example for new christians, or even christians who just look up to you, old or new. People over the age who are legally allowed to drink have to ask themselves this, "Am I causing someone to stumble?"

The problem that also occurs is that the drink becomes an idol and it is not glorifying God. Everything you do should be for the glory of God, as 1 Corinthians 10:31 says. 1 Cor. 10:23 says that, "We are allowed to do all things, but not all things are good for us to do. We are allowed to do all things, but not all things help others grow stronger." Some of these things also cause us to not grow. Verse 24 goes on to say, "Do not look out for only yourselves. Look out for the good of others." As Christians, our sole purpose should be to serve the Lord, and part of that serving includes bringing others to Christ. Therefore, if our actions, such as drinking, sex, or even cussing, are causing confusion and stumbling in new Christians or non-believers, are we truly serving God? The answer is simply no.

Even if our sinful actions are done secretly Luke 8:17 (NIV) says, "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." God always knows our hearts, but what we do in the dark, will come out for all to see. Eventually, the ones that look up to us, will see our transgressions and possibly fall because of them.

One might say, "Well God forgives our trangressions because of the blood shed on the cross" and explain this to a person looking up to them. Yes, this is very true but the problem is, we have people who look up to us that we don't know about. They watch from afar. We cannot go to them and say, "God has forgiven me" and if we know what we did was wrong and sinful, we cannot go up to them and tell them that either. They may not know our guilt.

As I grew in my faith, and I became stronger, I realized all this. I realized that I possibly had someone looking up to me as an example, and that I needed to end the viscous cycle of falling because of others. I have always been very open about my past, and I do not want to hide what I have done in the dark. The Lord has saved me and continues to save me everyday. I no longer drink at all. I do this for myself, but mostly for others. I want to bring people to Christ, not turn them away or cause sadness in them.

I hope this means something to someone. If this doesn't make sense, try reading 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. This is where I based this off of.