Uprooting the Bitterness

I've been reluctant to write about this because it is a very personal subject matter to me. I have talked about it with a few close friends and my family, that's about it. But, since I have felt like the Lord has called me to be transparent with my life and share what has gone on in hopes of helping others, I'm going to get over my pride and talk about it. It is going to be a long post, I apologize in advance!

This summer I have been struggling. I have dealt with depression in my past, but this struggle is not a bout of depression. God has been uprooting bitterness that had taken a hold of my heart and caused me much pain and anger.

The cause of this deep root of bitterness comes from events that took place in high school. There is no way of saying this nicely, but I was bullied, like many kids in high school. I do not think it is right to sit here and rehash the past or list all of the "horrible" things that happened to me, but I can say that I was around the people that bullied me all the time and that the things they said and did degraded my self-esteem. It tore me apart.

There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says "No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe this to be true, but I also believe that people's actions leave marks on our hearts whether we want them to or not. It is what we do with these marks and scars that defines us.

I never dealt with what had happened to me. I just stuffed it down. I was embarrassed and didn't want people to know that these things had actually hurt me deeply. I felt that because I was "saved" that I needed to act like it was all together. I always told myself that it was the past and that it was over. I felt like because I blocked it out and didn't think about it, that it was gone for good.

I have never been so wrong in my life.

As the years have gone by, I noticed little things that I did. I noticed that I had trouble maintaining friendships. I always wanted to be in control and when I felt out of control I quickly shut people out. I noticed that I never felt good enough for anyone. Someone would like me and I would catch me degrading myself. I would tell myself things like, "You're ugly, You're creepy, You're weird" and here is a crazy one, "You look like a guy." I saw my trust in people plummet. I told myself I trusted them, but again I found myself flaking on them out of fear. I could list a bazillion things but the point is not for me to list out all my issues.

The point is- We have to let GOD heal us, if not you'll end up with a list of crazy issues you have to deal with! It is time to stop pretending that we can do it in our own strength. It just causes more trouble and hinders the work of God in our lives. In my case, God basically had to hit me with a spiritual baseball bat on the side of the head to get me to accept His healing. I pray others do not take it that far.

There are 4 things that God has been working in me this summer.

Number 1- Forgiveness is key. Real, honest, genuine forgiveness. He's taught me to think of it this way- Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins. Every single one of us. He has brought forgiveness for us all. I'm just going to put this out there, as humans, we do nasty, horrible things. Because of the death of Jesus, those sins are forgiven. It is selfish of me to sit here and hold unforgiveness in my life. It is pretty simple, forgive because God forgives.

Number 2- Do not believe lies. The devil does not want me to move on from my past. He wants me to believe all those awful things said to me. His goal is to cause us pain and misery, to destroy us. The Lord made all of us perfect in His image. The way we are created is for a purpose and He loves us and values us eternally. It is important that confidence comes from this, not from the world and the lies of Satan.

Number 3- Trust in God and have hope. If I have no trust in God, how am I supposed to trust in others? It is important to live in faith that God has a good future in store and that if we stay true to His will, it will bring goodness into our lives!

Finally, Number 4- Lose the crappy attitude(this ties into forgiveness!) I have spent years lying to myself that "I'm okay, it's all worked out" ...blah blah blah. While the whole time I am actually holding these pitiful grudges that fester an attitude of self-pity and bitterness. This attitude blocks off the healing work of God. I am having to learn to consciously lose the bad, two year old toddler attitude and replace it with one that is full of the joy of The Lord. After all, His joy is a gift, why should I waste it?

I know that all of us go through horrible things that leave scars on and tarnish us. That is why I decided to finally buck up and write this. I know there are people out there who are going through way, way worse things than I have gone through or ever will, but I also know God can heal you and bring you peace from those things no matter what they are or how old they are. I know that God has plans for each one of our lives and that He only wants the best for us. Part of that best is submitting to Him and letting Him do work in us. Do not let your past take a hold of you like I let it in me. God tried to start working in me right after everything happened, but I didn't let Him. Do not do this. Do not let your pride or whatever is holding you back get in the way. Take care of it now. Let Him begin healing you now!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." -Ephesians 4:31

"Choose to See the Good Stuff"

Do you ever feel like your not worth any ones time?
Do you ever feel lonely, like no one cares?
Do you ever wake up and feel confused and hopeless?

 

You are worth someone's time.
Even if people seem to not be giving you the time of day,
God is always ready. He has no watch, no time limit. He's there 24/7.

 

Remember, even when you are feeling lonely, God has not left. If you ask,
you will receive. Pray for His peace, and to bring the right people into your
life. He'll send them.

 

Realize that confusion and hopelessness are attacks from the devil.
Don't let him steal your joy, but instead pray as soon as you wake up
to be filled with the joy of the Lord! Pray you have more joy than ever before!
Even if your hope is smaller than a thread, hold on to. God will use it.
He will make it grow.

 

 

 

Thank God for what He has done for you. Thank Him for that beautiful sky
today that made you happy because it was so blue. Thank Him for that
unexpected compliment from someone. Thank Him for that friend that contacted
you, and put a smile on your face. Thank Him for showing you that Bible verse
that helped you carry on throughout the day.
Thank Him for all the little things,
they add up.

 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Sticking to Your Calling

In the summer before my junior year in high school I went to a baptist summer camp. While I was at this camp I really felt God put a call to ministry on my heart. I left that week of fun and sun knowing that I had been called to devote my livelihood to God. I didn't know exactly what type of ministry the Lord was calling me to, but I knew He was calling me to ministry. There was no doubt in my mind. I knew this throughout the rest of high school. Even when I went through phases where I was straying off the path The Lord had created for me, I always felt that pull in the back of my mind.

By the end of my senior year, after hopping back and forth between a worldly life and a Godly life, I was ready to get serious and stand completely on God's side. I had won a partial scholarship to ORU, and I knew that God had given me this opportunity for a reason. I knew that ORU was part of the call, I knew that God wanted me there to get ready for whatever it was. I entered as a freshman knowing this. I was ready to do big things for God.

I got discouraged though. I lost hope. When I was in high school, I was around people that I had known for many years, I had gotten used to them. Going into college, even though it's a small private college, I was surrounded by a whole new world of people. I was living with them and constantly being around them. ORU has students from all over the country and world, and with that, a whole plethora of christian worldviews come in with it. I was exposed to so many different types of people, I was seeing whole new ways of living for Christ. I began to compare myself to these different ways. Doing this is where I lost my hope. I began to think, "I'm not good enough for ministry", "I don't think I'm really called to that", "I'm just an average, shy girl". It wasn't until the end of this year, my sophomore year, that I let God break me free from that.

When God has placed a call on ones life to ministry, or to any area of life, it is very important not to compare ones call or vision to another. We are all created different, and God did not do this just for the fun of it. He needs different types of people to work in different areas of His kingdom. Don't let doubt creep into your mind because your not like that girl who can pray and pray for days, or that guy who's been called to bring the house down preaching on the pulpit. God gave you your gift for a reason, and he needs you to embrace that specific gift. Romans 12:6-8 (NIV) says-

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

Know that your gift is a part of your call. Be thankful and have joy that God has given the talents and abilities that He has. Stand firm on what He has given you!

One thing besides the problem I had of comparing myself to others, was that I got distracted by life. I lost sight of the big picture of my life. I got wrapped up in the daily things that were happening to me that I forget all about what God was laying on my heart. I didn't even realize that the things that happened in my daily life where situations that would help me later down the road. He was using life in general as a training tool. Remember this, God never lets anything go to waste. He is always working in our lives, if we let Him.  An important part of letting Him work in our lives and prepare us is reading our bible and praying. Sadly, I didn't do this everyday until this year (2013). Since starting to do this though, I have felt my faith grown in ways I didn't know it could. If you know that God is calling you to a tough ministry or you know you will be in hard situations, became absolutely, 100%, firm in your faith. Do this even if you don't know. As Christians, we should do this no matter what our calling is. If your calling is to be a mother, become firm. If your calling is to become a pastor, become firm. If your calling is to become a lion tamer, become firm. Know the word, and be connected to God everyday. Like Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Don't let the monotony of everyday life get you in a rut. Let Him break you free and realize that He is building and shaping you for what He wants you to do.

Remember also that God can lay a plan on ones heart years before it will come to fruition. Sometimes in our lives, we won't even see the fruit of our labor, we are just here to plant the seeds. If that is the case, then that is what God's plan for our life is! Think about the apostles, they spent their whole lives devoting their lives to spreading the good news of Christ. Obviously, they didn't get to live 2000 years to see how Christianity has grown. Their work though planted an abundance of seeds for God's Kingdom. Don't try and force or rush things. Trust in God. If you devote your life to God completely and stay in His will, then the plan He has created for you for will happen. God stays true to His promises.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

When we let God help us to stop comparing ourselves to others, start focusing truly on how He created us as individuals, and make a conscious effort to be constantly be seeking what He needs us to do, then He is able to strengthen and develop us.

I'm thankful that God has broken me free of doubt and all the lies about myself that I believed. I stand in faith that He will help me overcome any other attack that is sent against me to try and destroy what God has planned for my life. I pray you do too. 

 

 

 

Having Doubts

At the beginning of this semester, The Lord told me to start reading the Gospels thoroughly. He told me He wanted me to know who Jesus was, inside and out. He wanted me to know exactly what the character of Jesus was, as Jesus's character is God's character. There is no better place to learn His trait's than the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Acts.

 

I thought that reading these would surely cause my faith to grow fast and in great amounts. But, the more I read, the more questions I started stacking up. Nothing ever caused me not to believe in the undeniable truth that there is a God. In fact, the deeper I got into The Bible, the tighter my relationship with The Lord became. I started wondering though, why do I believe what I believe? There are many religions in the world, why is Christianity the truth? I realized, and I truly believe that God brought this to my attention, that I was living my faith blindly. I got saved very quickly, and He changed my life so dramatically that I didn't question why I believed. After this realization, I started seeking answers. I admitted to my mom, who is my mentor, that I had all these questions about Jesus, and Christianity in general. I also admitted to God that I had these questions.

 

The surprising thing is, as soon as I admitted to God that I was questioning Him, He answered. He didn't shame me and scold me for doubting. He brought to my attention that asking questions is how we grow. He wants me to ask, and to seek. He wants me to grow. In school we ask questions if we are confused and a teacher answers. In the same way, The Lord does the same. Every question that has come into my head has been answered. Sometimes, it may be a question I didn't even directly bring to God. He cares about me and takes the time to help me.

 

I picture the process like this, God is pushing me to another level in my faith, and this process includes seeking answers and backing up why I believe in Him. He's putting me on a high wire, or a tight-rope. This situation is uncomfortable, but it's pushing me. At the same time, while I'm on this tight-rope, I'm in a safety harness. God is that safety harness. God is the creator of the universe and there is no question too big that He cannot answer.

 

I have never felt more secure in my faith than I do now. Even though I'm still acting like a toddler and asking God, "Why?", all the time, I now have a strong foundation to build on. By reading The Bible thoroughly and thoughtfully and asking God and other Christians who have more wisdom than me questions about it, I feel much stronger.

 

Don't be afraid to admit to other's that you have questions, and don't be afraid to tell God. He truly has an answer for everything. Don't be afraid to let other's know what is going on in your mind. Christianity should be all about transparency. God did not call us to be perfect humans with all the answers, if we knew everything, what need would there be for Him?

Lean on Him, in doubts, in trials, in happiness, in everything.